Why I Started A Mindfulness Meditation Practice

As much as I want Livingbreely to be a space for resources and information about meditation, wellness, and mindfulness, I also want to be as transparent as possible and open up about why I began a meditation practice.

This a bit of a longer post so crack open a Kombucha.
Warm up some ginger tea!
Settle in.

So if you didn’t know, meditation has a ton of health benefits like:
Reduced anxiety
Reduced stress
Reduced pain
Reduced depression
Increased focus
Increased memory
Increased compassion
Increased productivity
Emotional balance

Disclaimer: I’m not a medical health professional or a licensed therapist so I would never encourage you to go off of medications or stop going to therapy without consulting your doctors first.

However, if you asked me if I think meditation will help you feel more love and compassion for yourself?

I would say:

Heck. YES.

I talk about how it took me close to 4 years to really begin a practice in my post about how to establish a successful meditation practice.

But I left out the WHY in that post.

Soooo here is why I started meditating and my journey to meditating on a consistent basis. (I meditate twice a day for about 20 minutes each time. I started with 5 minutes once a day and slowly built my endurance up!)

About 4 years ago I started noticing a major shift in my mental health. I began to feel really anxious all of the time. My hands would start sweating and shaking. My heart would feel like it was about to jump out of my chest. My mouth would get really dry. Sometimes I would get lightheaded. My thoughts would begin to race. When all of this began to happen, I thought that everyone was looking at me and could see my thoughts or my nervous behavior. This only fueled my insecurities and anxiety. (BTW: literally no one notices what you’re doing because more than likely they are focused on their own biz.)

It felt like there was no rhyme or reason for what triggered my anxiety either. In the beginning, I could go months without feeling overly anxious. Then it felt like suddenly, I couldn’t go an hour without feeling totally paralyzed by this overwhelming fear. The funny thing is, at the time, I didn’t even know WHAT I was so scared about.

I could be sitting on my couch watching The Office and suddenly this ball of anxiety seemed to blossom out of the depths of my being.

When I moved back to my hometown, my anxiety took a turn for the worst and at times…it felt like it completely consumed me.

I would wake up every morning with horrible stomach aches. I never felt like I was good enough at my job. I always felt like my coworkers and bosses hated me. Whenever I would enter a room or meeting, I would look for the closest exit or think of a way that I could excuse myself. I just wanted to escape every situation I was in. I just wanted to escape life. At some of the worst moments, driving to work felt like I was driving to my own funeral. (I’m melodramatic okay? Deal with it.)

The joy and passion I had for life seemed to have been sucked out of me and I was desperately searching for it in external sources; I overworked myself, I overcommitted my time, I would go shopping and spend money I didn’t really have and I dove into unhealthy relationships.

After I got extremely sick and was out of commission for almost 2 weeks…I had some serious time to just sit with my thoughts. I was sick of feeling this way and finally had enough. I was either going to take the steps to get better or see a medical professional about getting on some type of medication. Maybe even both. At that point, I wasn’t sure what I was doing.

I still don’t know what lead me to my bookshelf one day (My guess is my spirit guides) but I picked up the book ‘The Power Of Now‘ by Eckhart Tolle. I had purchased it a year earlier but never could get into it. After the first 20 pages, I realize it was a hug from the universe that I had so desperately needed. It started me on a path to really gain control of my thoughts and anxiety. It felt like I had been standing in a rainstorm for the past 3 years and I finally got to take my wet, heavy and dripping clothes off and step into a warm sweater.

I immediately started immersing myself in wellness, spirituality, meditation, and mindfulness by listening to podcasts, reading books, finding interviews on YouTube, watching movies, looking up blogs and websites.

Everything I was researching had one consistent thing they recommended for anxiety: meditation.

I pushed back at first because I kept telling myself “I’ve already tried meditation. It didn’t work. I can’t sit still for that long. I don’t want to become a monk and live in a cave, so why waste my time?”

But as Eckhart Tolle reinforces: We are not our thoughts, stop resisting what is and be aware of the unhealthy choices our ego wants to make for us.

My desperateness for a change had brought me to a new level of consciousness.

So after a few days of battling my ego, I finally sat my a** down on my yoga mat for the first time in about 2 years to meditate.

The effects were not immediate.

And to be totally and completely honest…it’s  SO hard to stay consistent with something when you don’t know if it’s actually going to work. I really don’t know what was inside of me that kept returning to the floor every day, twice a day for 20 minutes each practice. Some days were harder than others. Sometimes I was just overwhelmed with my thoughts. Sometimes I couldn’t focus on my breathing or focusing on my breathing made me feel like I couldn’t breathe. But I pushed through each day.

I meditated for about 3 months before I really began to notice improvements in my anxiety. My body had switched from fight or flight mode to just pilot mode (aka me- I’m the pilot). I was in control of my thoughts now felt like I had the CHOICE to listen to them or not. Bad thoughts seemed to come and then go just as quickly as a cloud in the sky. I was present. I was sleeping better. Life didn’t feel like such a battle anymore because I was working WITH it. I was less judgemental and more compassionate towards myself.

I was showing myself more love than I ever had before.

Don’t get it twisted though, meditation wasn’t the only solution for my anxiety. I changed some life circumstances to eliminate serious stressors that were unnecessary. I started walking in the mornings. I did yoga almost every day. I began making healthier food choices (But Taco Bell will always be in my life. I can’t live w/o my crunchwrap supreme – no sour cream plz) I stopped checking my social media obsessively. I took vitamins and herbs. I went to acupuncture 2-3 times a week. I dedicated a huge chunk of time to reading and researching ways that I could better myself.

The question I’m sure you’re all wondering…

Do you still have anxiety?

That answer is YES!

Totally.

Actually, I’m lowkey having anxiety right now thinking about posting this!

But if you want to get really technical: We ALL have anxieties. Haven’t you been anxious before a presentation or a big meeting? Maybe you’re meeting your boyfriend’s parents for the first time or going on a first date. Anxiety is inevitable.

The big difference is that I don’t feel consumed or held down by my anxiety. I’m more aware of the habits and thoughts that cause my anxiety. I feel confident knowing that I have the tools to pull myself up and out of a downward spiral of bad thoughts.

I actually view my anxiety as a blessing.

Yes, you read that right.

I AM GRATEFUL FOR MY ANXIETY.

Why?

It’s simple: My anxiety forces me to be present, conscious and aware.

The root of my anxiety was caused by my thoughts about the future. I was so fearful of what the next moment would bring. That anticipation of ‘what’s next’ and playing every possible scenario was driving me MAD. I was rushing to the next moment of my life without enjoying the present one. Now I settle into the present moment and move with it instead of against it or rush through it.

I love the person that I am and I wouldn’t be the person that I am without my journey with anxiety.

It forced me to see life a different way. It caused me to ask myself some bigger questions. I had to rediscover what kind of person I was -with anxiety- and the life I wanted to live.

It lead me to create Livingbreely with one of my main intentions being that I don’t want anyone to ever feel that life has to be lived in constant suffering and fear.

There is light in your life and that light is YOU.

I know this a looooong read. And if you read every word: THANK YOU.

I wish you a healthy and happy week!

Ciao for now,
Be Well,
Bree